four winds

It’s official.  I am going to Seattle, WA/Portland, OR for spring break in March.  Chris bought the tickets last night.  I’m pretty excited!  And nervous!  But it will be fun :)

A week and three days ago I think I met my soul mate.  I don’t even believe in soul mates.

A letter to myself.

Perhaps I should begin with a warning.  I am bored with life.  I have thought extensively on what has been different about me for the past few months, and while I do display certain qualities of a depressed individual, I am not depressed.  I’ve come to this conclusion because clinical depression affects everyday life.  Suicidal feelings can occur.  I have no issue going about my everyday life or finding the motivation to get out of bed each morning.  I certainly am not nor ever will have suicidal contemplations.  I do experience - though rarely - true happy times.  The fact of the matter is that I have become bored with this chapter in my life.

I took an online test, and while I know that typically internet findings are not to be taken seriously, I was shocked to find that my results pegged me as 43 year old judging by my personality and goals in life.  However, as a 21 year old, I feel trapped because these goals are years away from ever being met.  I feel so in between frequently.  I am tired of college, the work that goes into it, and being stuck in the same town, same state, same country.  I am tired of college being the only topic people have to discuss with me - that, or what I am planning on doing after graduation.  Like every other college graduate, I am planning on finding a job.  While I do well in school and academia - 4.0 GPA again for the fall semester - the truth is a fucking hate college and I don’t want to talk about it anymore than I already have to.  I wish the Dean’s List didn’t exist.  I only do so well because I am not an idiot and pay attention to deadlines.  College was fun and exciting the first year, but now I am ready to move on.

My dad constantly discusses the fact that he waited to grow up, but I am ready for the real world.  I can’t help wishing I could fast forward ten years when I am on my own, possibly married with children and have a house to myself.  My maternal instincts are not being met.  I’m not necessarily speaking of a child, but I want someone to care for.  Someone to cook and even clean up after.  I want to know where I stand in the world.  Right now I identify as an in between.  I have no home, no job, very few true friends, and what feels like no family.  I am surrounded by people who I wish would leave me alone.  When I am visiting family, I feel like a guest.  I don’t know anyone in my hometown anymore.  I am too old to know the students in high school.  I don’t even have a house to go back to.  There is no room to call my own and it is clear I have been replaced by my own sister who doesn’t even speak to me unless she needs something.  When I visit my hometown, I wonder why I even bother.  

I am bored with this lifestyle.  After I graduate, I think it would be good for me to leave this state - or even country - for a few years.  Otherwise I might really become depressed.  I am trapped.  I am ready for this college chapter to be over, yet I still have another five months to get through.  I have been searching jobs to see what’s out there.  Maybe to have something to look forward to.  I have got to get away and be on my own for once.  I need to leave this identity of an in between behind.  Or else I may go insane.